These are all the thoughts I can’t get out of my brain. I planned a trip back to California from my current home in Chile. My two friends are getting married (!) in Santa Barbara, and since I haven’t been home in a year, it felt like a good time to come back. So I’m coming back home. It’s going to be a crazy 10 days. But I also have these all these fears. I know I am overthinking things, but I thought I’d share anyways. 

 

I’m on a tight schedule. And I know my trip will be over before I know it. I fly into to SFO, get to spend 4 days with my family and then I’ll drive to SB for the wedding, and after I’ll head back up to the Bay. After my 10 days in California, I’ll fly back to Chile, and I’ll stay for the rest of the year.

 


 

I am excited to go to a party on independence day. We are going to the Russian river. I’m worried I’ll say something offensive. No American will openly admit that they believe they live in the “greatest country in the world,” but you can tell when they talk about other countries.

 

I miss drinking kombucha and taking long hot showers. But if I take too many showers, it’s going to be hard to an infrequent shower schedule.

 

I am worried that I am in love and that it will destroy me.

 

I know that I think too much about the future. When I’m sad, I think about where I want to be. When I’m happy I think about how things will change and maybe I won’t ever be this happy again.

 

I try to meditate but my mind is unquiet.

 

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and doesn’t wait around for me to do all of the doing.

 

I am not creating anything unique, I am just a copier.

 

When I am in love, I think more about how others perceive me.

 

I think it’s going to be hard to eat healthy. Even though I miss spinach and kale, I think I am going to end up eating out with my friends and American food is so heavy. I think it will cloud up my mind and then I won’t be able to think straight.

 

I am not an artist and I don’t think I’m good enough to be one. I am not dedicated enough.

 

Don’t normalize trump’s America. It’s fucking terrifying and the people who want to build a wall are racist even if they say they are not racist.

 

I am worried that I’ve lost my focus from my project. I got distracted. And now, I am home in California, and maybe when I go back to Chile it will be hard to pick things up. Maybe if I don’t drink coffee or caffeinated tea while I’m home, I can make coffee with my new Italian espresso steamer thingy when I get back to Chile. I’ll get that really good buzz and I’ll be able to keep working.

 

I feel fine right now. I feel okay when I focus on myself. When I’m alone. But when I see you again, I think I will unravel. I’ll have to start back at square one.

 

I am going to try to write every day that I’m home in California.

 

I know I’ll cry when I sit alone on the beach in Santa Barbara. I’ll think of when I first came to Santa Barbara, and I would ride my bike down to the beach every Friday and smoke a cigarette and watch the sunset.

 

I am going to borrow a wavestorm and spend a few hours at Rincon floating in the water even if it is completely flat.

 

This German guy is making a documentary about my life in Chile. He said I have to open up, and give him creative control and I might not like what he makes. I have no idea how it will turn out. Maybe I’ll be disappointed in myself if I don’t feel like I shared everything I have to share.