At first, I couldn’t recognize what I was feeling when I left the interview with the executive in the office. I thought the tension I felt afterwards was part of the normal process of adjustment. This is the long way back into the working world.
I realize now that the feeling was sadness. The way he talked about decentralized management. The diagram of a matrix organization he drew on the whiteboard in his office.
When he walked me out of his office, another woman was waiting in the lobby. His secretary later told me that he had back to back meetings all day. All day up in that immaculate, 10th floor office. It didn’t strike me as particularly productive. Just sitting there with a stream of people pouring in and out.
And after I felt drained. I asked him my questions, but I was just asking them to ask them. Because I had already agreed to come. Because someone had told me to contact him.
A year ago, I would have been frustrated by my inability to be interested. I would have silenced the part of me that felt a disconnect.
I work for myself and it was a Friday, so I convinced myself to go get a massage. I live in my van. I don’t pay for an apartment, so sometimes I treat myself. And I’ll be working all weekend anyway. I just didn’t feel like I could get through my classes later without some type of substantial break.
I’ve been away from the working world for 7 months, so I feel that my senses are somewhat heightened. I’m seeing things with a new perspective. I’m not going to rewrite my feelings anymore. When I feel my bullshit meter going off, I’m going to listen. And in a weird way, I’m glad I felt sad after.